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QuickBytes: Contents:
A
perennial pessimist once said to me, "You know, everything really is vanity. I
mean, no matter how popular or great one becomes, in time your place in the
book of life will be whittled down to a footnote, and probably vanish altogether.
And that’s the famous and accomplished. Most folks wind up disappearing
completely from the human record, unless they wind up fossilized, mummified or
frozen and are put on display in some distant day in a museum." If
you think of your life as a single pebble tossed into a vast and turbulent
ocean of humanity, yes, it would seem the ripples created by a solitary stone
hardly has any impact whatsoever. A brief splash and that's about it. So the
eternal pessimist is right, yes?! One
could, I suppose, argue that the waves set in motion by an entire or generation
can have effects that ripple down through time and are manifest long after all
the "rocks" have been buried in sediment and lost to view. But how personally
reassuring, consoling or meaningful is this? Not very, I'd say. And
when you get down to it, one day our sun will go into its death throes and life
on Earth will cease. And even if we somehow manages to spread beyond our
celestial neighborhood, the universe itself will probably wind up just as dead
– in some far distant day. Which means that all the achievements of individual
men and women, and of humankind as a whole, will be lost. "It's all for nothing
in the final analysis" seems to be the inescapable conclusion. The
universe, it would seem, almost certainly confers no meaningful immortality on
its organic "byproducts"! But
wait a minute, isn't this perspective too narrowly focused? After all, while
the fate of the material universe is tied to entropy and is thus almost certainly
inescapable, there is the spiritual aspect of being human, yes?! Ah, but
here we assume much and can prove nothing. We have entered the realm of
faith, which is beyond the purview of science (Unless claims are made for an
effect of a spiritual entity or phenomena that can be tested by scientific
means). For individuals who see no justification for notions that humans
possess an immortal spirit, this is folly. And while believers in a spiritual
side to humankind vastly outnumber non-believers, this does not mean they are
right. Consensus can have real world effects, i.e., millions of believers do
shape the course of history, but it cannot transform a totally faith-based
concept such as human possession of an “eternal spirit” into a hard fact. And
it has been argued by many agnostics and skeptics that faith in an immortal
spirit and "life after life" is a delusion. One of many that seems to add a
degree of explanatory power or novelty or such to some folk's lives, like a
belief in ghosts, demons, fairies or such. There is much that can be marshaled
from psychology and history to buttress this position, to be sure. So,
it would seem, the inexorable fate of our lives and the material universe lies
in extinction, with only faith or hope in an existence beyond this to console
us and thus perhaps forestall or at least diminish the grip of any feelings of
“gloom & doom” that might periodically grip our being. The perennial
pessimist, it would seem, does not look to be nursing an altogether
untenable position after all! Whatever
the merits or defects one can argue concerning faith-based beliefs, it seems
that at the very least they ably serve many, if not most folks as a effective
coping mechanism in life. Indeed, it encourages perseverance and thus survival,
an outgrowth or expression of the primal drives to acquire, preserve and
perpetuate (http://14ushop.com/wizard/3PrimalDrivesEssay.html). And even if the universe and all that’s
in is headed to permanent oblivion, with the end result that all our individual
and collective struggles and accomplishments will be obliterated forever, it
behooves us to live as though this were not so. To do otherwise might lead
many among us to assume that our lives and all that we do is an exercise in
futility, something certain to generate frustration and even feelings of
hopelessness and despair. And this is a species of "vanity" we can ill afford
to embrace! So
while the perennial pessimist could be right, there would appear to be great
merit in living as though he isn't. If this is denial or delusion or both pales
by comparison to the psychological discord that would undoubtedly arise (in
many instances) as a result of the clash between the basic human drive to
perpetuate and perhaps be perpetual and the "all is vanity" line of reasoning. To
read more about the role of faith, with specific reference to its role in http://www.angelfire.com/mo/countrysoulcafe/holisticmedicine.html _____________________________________________________________ If
you are in a relationship that is getting stale or rocky, think back to the
more joyous days of your courtship. Contrast that period with what is
transpiring now. Different? What made those days so ...well ..seemingly magical? The novelty or newness of just about
everything connected with your love interest? No doubt. And? How attentive were
you to meeting each other's emotional & other needs? It was probably the
focus of your daily lives, right? And now? Yes, well, things have shifted your focus
somewhat haven't they? You know, career, debts, being Super Worker or Super Mom
or Super Dad, et cetera. Your energy is taxed to the limit, your significant
other already knows how you feel anyway, and it's just easier not to have to
work at being mindful or attentive in the same way you were when you were
courting. Flowers on birthdays,
intimacy once a week or so, and an abiding hope that everything holds together
and somehow improves. Question:
What is you gave your cherished mode of transportation this degree and kind of
attention? Cars have needs – maintenance, if nothing else. What would happen if
you changed your oil once every 5 years, had a tune up once a decade, and
washed your machine biannually? It wouldn't look or run well, would it? Let's
take this analogy a little further: Which is easier – fixing up a neglected car
or running out and financing a brand, new vehicle? So
maybe it's time to get out your "polishing rag" and "go change it" and spruce
up your relationship a little, yes? Great, you are now on the right track! In
the much the same way as attention to detail will help insure that your car
will run and look great, tending to the little things counts in relationship
revitalization and maintenance. We are talking meeting each others needs on a
daily basis! Shall
we count the ways? Phone calls, e-cards, flowers, small gifts, helping out
around the house, freeing your significant other to do something special,
walking hand-in-hand in a local park, stick-on notes bearing emotionally powerful
messages left where your mate is sure to find them, playing a game together, et
cetera. Sounds
time-consuming, right? It is. But then, you probably plan every detail or every
day anyway. So
maybe you need a little help with better assessing where you are
relationship-wise, and where you should be headed. The Wizard would point you
down this annex to the yellow brick road: www.marriagebuilders.com. The
Marriage Builders® program is the brainchild of psychologist and marriage &
family counselor, Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. What sets Harley apart from the pack is
simple: He has what I call a "relationship rescuing" success rate which far
exceeds that of most therapists. You can read all about this in Dr. Harley's
seminal book, "Your Love & Marriage" Let's
return to the car analogy one last time: When your cherished vehicle is ailing,
who do you prefer taking it to: A nominal mechanic or a proven 5-star
mechanical whiz? Nuff said. _____________________________________________________________ One
of the most beloved verses in the Hebrew Scriptures comes from the 23rd
Psalms: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow
of death, I will fear no evil: For you are with me" In Now reactive depression is
a wholly expected and understandable response to intractable adversity or woe.
We all have a tendency to get sorely vexed when our lives are turned upside
down and held there by trials and tribulations. In such a situation, one tries
to console and counsel the suffering as best one can. (A touch of satire and
self-deprecating humor sometimes doesn't hurt either). And this I ably extended
to my angst-ridden student charges with varying degrees of success. But more
was needed. The "more", I reasoned,
had to lie in something that would get these kids to change their outlook or
perspective on certain aspects of life. To do this I looked to a tried-and-true
source for generating insight and encouraging change: history. Specifically, I
had my students tackle and examine two noteable chapters: Famed psychiatrist
Viktor Frankl's account of his years of struggle in various Nazi concentration
camps (as recounted in his timeless classic, "Man's Search For Meaning"), and
the saga of General George Armstrong Custer. Dr. Frankl and his
imprisoned compatriots suffered cruelly at the hands of sadistic SS guards, all
the while struggling with scarcity and living conditions so calculatingly
appalling as to beggar the imagination. Mindful that he could not change his circumstances
and that his Nazi tormenters could snuff out his life at any minute, Frankl
nonetheless felt empowered by a single fact: They could take everything from
him but his power to choose how he would react to their brutal actions! And it
was this realization that essentially helped buoy up Dr. Frankl during his
agonizing walk through the "valley of the shadow of death"! Frankl emerged from Hitler's reign of
terror intact and went on to establish an influential school of psychotherapy
called logotherapy (http://logotherapy.univie.ac.at/).
He died in 1997 at the ripe old age of 92, having survived the Third Reich by
52 years. While Dr. Viktor Frankl
was the victim of totalitarian oppression and a state-sanctioned policy of
malignant racism and genocide, (Brevet Major) General George Armstrong Custer
stood on the other side of the divide, so to speak. Custer played a somewhat
pivotal role in the After my students had
fully acquainted themselves with the lives and feats of Dr. Frankl and General
Custer, I had them conduct an open comparative analysis of the two (men) for
the purpose of extracting principles they felt to be especially insightful and
personally meaningful. Of course, these bright,
eager young people came up with an illustrious roster of "goodies". Among them:
The power of choice; how evil seduces people by playing up to their basic
desires and egos; the futility of life spent focused on narrow, self-serving
and self-aggrandizing goals; the nobility of service to others informed by
prior suffering; etc. After we had reviewed
their litany of ideas and comments, I asked them to sum up what we had learned
from the lives of Frankl and Custer. The general consensus was that we must all
have the power to make choices that will steer us through life; choices that
may decide whether we end our days with a tally sheet that favors having
achieved something worthwhile, ..or its opposite. I had only one thing to
add to what their conclusion, which was this: "Friends, we are all
headed to the Little Big Horn. Whether you get there as a young person
or during middle-age or as a very old man or woman, ..we all have to the enter
the valley and depart this world. No one escapes this fate. But as you
correctly surmised, it isn't that final battle alone that determines the
meaning and value of the life you have lived, but what you do in the days,
weeks, and years leading up to it. And yes, the impact of your life and the
ripples it sets in motion are determined by the choices and subsequent actions
you take while en route to the valley. "Now I have but one final
point to make – an admonition, really – which is this: "If Dr. Frankl could
exercise choice in his dire circumstances and by so doing not only survive the
fiendish horror that was Nazi Germany, but set in motion ideas that have
transformed countless lives ever since, ..then certainly you can lay hold of the
promise that lies in the abundant choices and options you have in life."
Of those students who have
stayed in contact with me in the intervening years, most appear to have made
prudent choices that have helped them forge personally meaningful, productive
and fulfilling lives. How goes your journey
to the valley? Dr. Payne is a member of
the Choctaw Nation of Oklahoma
-www.choctawnation.com and
carries with him a Bureau of Indian Affairs issued ID card certifying
him to be an American Indian. |